Trying ....

The last few months i really been trying to work on my life. Trying to change everything for the better, for me and the kids. Going through a divorce, Being a single mom of 3. Its just been sooo hard. I get some help from my mom and like my Aunt. But they are older and can't handle the kids as much. But other wise I do this alone. I just want a better life for me and the kids. Its all i ever wanted. I want our own place so they can have their own rooms and not be so crowed in one room. I wanna start feeling more independent  And i am trying very hard to. I want to get my license. But i am so nervous and scared to drive. Lately even being in a car my anxiety has been acting up and i been getting sick. I really wanna start moving my life in the right direction. I think i just need to change who i have in my life. people who are going to support me and encourage me. And help me. Lately everyone pretends that they will help me and encourage me. but never do. I always go out of my way for everyone to help everyone. That needs to come to a stop. I really need to change my life around. Make the right decisions. I am going to be me, and do what i need to do. I am done. i need to put myself and my kids first all time no matter what. and whoever wants to be there and help me a long the way i will be happy to have them. other wise i am just done with it all. i am just trying to figure out who I am. I;m not gonna wait on anyone anymore. only 3 people i need to wait on. And those are my 3 babies no one else. Its time me to think of me ... I just hope i can keep this positive attitude. 

Why ...

Ugh .. idk why I feel this way. Maybe its just because of having my period. The last 2 weeks have been stressful. With these back to back storms. And Andrew had to leave early. But right now I just kinda feel like I am losing him and idk why I feel this way. I hate this feeling. I know he's hanging out with his friend Josh. And he needs it. All his other friends seem to screw him over. So I am happy he has a friend to spend some time with. But the past few days we barley talk. Or he barley answers me :'( I just got him back in my life. Next week will be officially 2 months together. And its been the best ever. I've waited for this for 11yrs, not even knowing I was. But I just been so happy. We been talking about getting married in a yr or 2. I just love him soooo much!!! I just wish we could live closer, or together. I know its so hard having to live apart. And if I didn't have kids it would be easier (I love my babies and wouldn't trade then for anything) I just don't want to lose him. But I just have the worest feeling in the world the past 2 days. And it hurts soo badly. I just don't know what to think right now. All I do is cry. The past 2 nights have just been horrible :'(

I love my life!!

Been sitting here thinking for the past few hours, and just thinking how for the most part of my life i am truly happy! I just can't wait for the rest of my life to finally fall into place. For everything to start looking up in every part of my life. I am finally starting to take control of my own life,. and not let people control it for me. Its still a very long process of dealing 11 yrs of that other stuff. but it is slowly getting there. I still regret some of the choices i did make in my life. But then i wouldn't have my 3 wonderful babies i have now, and i never would of meet some of the best-est friends i have now also. And right now i am just truly grateful to have Andrew back in my life. When we meet all those yrs ago It was amazing. And i never forgot about him. We talked over the years, here and there. But i truly never ever forgot about him. Just at random moments i would always wonder "what if" And After Dereke left i decided for haha's to look him up and see if he even remembered me. I honestly didn't think he would. But i was wrong. :) And then After a few months just one day we started talking and never stopped. And then seeing him for the first time After 11 yrs. It was the best feeling in the whole world. And just every kiss, every touch feels perfect. It feels like everything just fits and finally makes sense in life. I just truly wish i could put into words how i feel. But i can't. Every moment i spend without him kills me. I just want him here with me and the kids all the time. I want us to be a family. I know to some people it may sound weird cuz its been less then 2 months since we been officially dating. But i just wish they could all feel what i feel. Like right now it kills me knowing he is home with no power, with nothing. i wish i could just teleport him here. I wish life was just that easy. And every time i hear him tell me that he loves me my heart flutters and i wanna cry (happy tears). I just wish everyone could understand how i feel. understand how truly happy I am. how long i have waited for this. for Him! And the fact that he loves the kids also. He's just truly to good to be true. I just truly love him. more then anything in this world (well besides the kids LoL) he truly means everything to me. I love you Andrew Bryant! You mean the world to me. and i don't ever want to lose you!