Love ...

I just truly don't know what to say, do or think. Lately I been feeling so lonely. With all the arguing we did for a few days really killed me. I hate when people are angry and say stuff just outta spite. And of course I did. And I hate myself for it. I just really hope he knows how much I love him. And I hate that he is always the one traveling. And its not far. But its harder for me to travel with 3 kids. Or finding people to watch 3 kids. My parents aren't always willing too. I just know once I get my license it will ne better. Then I can pack the kids up and just take the van and leave for a weekend. So during the spring I am definitely gonna work on getting my license. I also need to work on my anxiety about being in cars sometimes. But I am definitely gonna find a way down to see him within the next month. I need to sit down with my mom and plan a trip. And find someone to drive us. And I need to save money. But also lately I feel like Andrew is trying to push me away a little and it kills me. So I kinda been putting up a block to protect myself. I just truly love him more then anything. I don't want to picture my life with out him. But I am just so worried that he's drifting from me. :'( .... He barely even puts any post about missing me or anything. And doesn't comment on some I put. So I haven't really been posting anything. Mainly.been.posting about the kids. I just hope once he's here and we have our night alone that it will fell like the first time we meet. I just don't want to lose.his love, or him. I love you baby. More then anything.

Hmmm Life ....

I am just so confused lately about everything! and so stressed out. I am so stressed out with the kids being sick going on 2 weeks now. Finally they seem to be doing a little better. It was killing me hearing them cough sooo badly. I just wanted to cry all the time. I know my mom did try and help. But once they got cranky or fussy so was gone. I really hate having to do this all alone. I never wanted my life like this. 28, getting divorced and a single mom of 3. it sucks ass! All i ever wanted was a Husband who loved me, and took care of me and our kids. Never happened. I always seem to make the wrong choices in life. And i made one really wrong choice that screwed up my whole life. and held me back from soo much, That now at 28 yrs old i am trying so hard to fix and change. Its so hard having to start your life over again. Only good thing that came out of that mistake was my 3 beautiful kids. even tho they are all a pain in my ass! i still love them more anything in the world. Without them i truly have no idea where i would be in life. Now the part of my life i am so confused about is Andrew. I love him to death!. and i don't doubt that he may love me, cause why else would he waste time and money come up here and visiting. But sometimes i just wonder how much he does care. and it may just be stupid little stuff. But after spending almost 12 yrs in in a horrible relationship. I don't want to do that again. especially since this time I am so madly in love. a friend told me the other day that I am to obsessed and that I prolly annoying Andrew and thats why he doesn't talk to me as much anymore. So ever since then i been so scared that i may annoy him. so i been trying so hard to back off a little. and trying to to be so annoying or obsessive, I don't want to be that type of girlfriend. I hate saying this, but sometimes i feel as if he's pushing me away. so i been trying to block my heart cause i don't wanna feel the pain if one day he decides he wants to give up on me. I just truly can not express the love i feel for him. Its like someone i never felt before. when i think about him i cant help put smile. and all the cute stuff he does. I just feel complete. and i don't want to lose that feeling. When were together everything is just perfect, i have no care in the world. and it feels like its suppose too. and the looks he gives me. just make me smile and warms my heart. I love staring into his gorgeous eyes, and kissing him, and cuddling and holding his hand, and hugging him. this feeling is all so new to me. I never felt this way at all with Dereke. I truly wonder sometimes tho If i am enough for him. I know he tells me he loves me. But lately we don't talk as much as we use to. even when he is online it seems like he is either playing games more, or just ignoring me, and it hurts. And then i think what guy would remember stuff like our anniversary if he didn't care. Maybe its just cause we are apart and i just miss him all the time, and scared that because of the distance that i'm not worth all the trouble. I want everything we have talked about. I want to be his wife. I want to be a family, and add to the family, plus add some furry family members also :) i don't think i have wanted anything more in my life, then i want all this. Maybe i am too obsessed. maybe i need to take a step back, and just let what happens happen. I just don't want to feel like this is all a dream. I want it all to be real. just to have him back in my life is a complete blessing. I never though in a million years i would get this chance again, i never though he would even remember me. I am just truly grateful :) I love you Andrew, more then you could ever know!

Love ...

I never truely thought I could ever feel the way I do. I wish I could go back 11 years ago and change the decision I made. But I can't. But I am going to take full advantage of it now. I knew 11 yrs ago that I loved and cared about him. The week we spent together was the best week of my life. The way he looked at him. When he held my hand. The first hug, and the first kiss. It was something I never ever forgot over the years. Over 11 years I would talk to him here and there. Part of me wishing I had said how I truly felt. But I was so scared of rejection. Scared he didn't feel the same way. And then I just got to comfortable in the life I had. Even though I truly hated it. I was comfortable. I knew what to expect most of the time. I though I had known what love was. After 11 yrs the husband I thought I was madly in love with had gone away. And truthfully I wasn't sad for me. I was sad for my kids. For myself I kinda felt a big weight lifted off of me. About a month after him being gone I started talking to a lot of my old friends. And started learning a lot. That's when I decided to start looking up old friends and other people. And that's when I decided to look for him. And at first we talked here and there. And then just one day we really started talking, and talked on the phone and it felt perfect. It just felt right! The first 2 weeks talking, getting to know each other again was amazing. Then just some stuff happen. And I tried so hard to stay away. To ignore him. But I couldn't. So I tried to just be friends but I couldn't. I was in love with him. And I couldnt hide my feelings. And I couldn't stay away from him. After everything tho we finally decided to give it a chance. A week later finally after 11 yrs we met again. The moment I saw him I couldn't move or talk and I wanted to cry. And when we hugged I didn't want it to end. I wanted to stay in his arms forever. And that first kiss after 11 yrs. My heart melted again. I never thought I could be so in love with anyone. That first week together again was the best. Just the cuddling. And being near him. Kissing him, hugging him. Everything was just perfect. And then after a week and having to say goodbye was the hardest. I cried soo badly. I wish I could of gotten hum to stay forever. It's been almost 3 months. But it feels like soo much longer. It feels like we been together for Years. Every chance I get to spend with him, is like a dream come true. The hardest part now is being away from him. Not being able to wake up next to him every morning and give him a kiss. And being able to hug him. And being able to just lay in his arms. I truly wish I could lay in his arms forever. I never ever thought I could feel this way. I love him more then anything. And I just can't picture my life without him in it. It would hurt way to much to do that.

Trying ....

The last few months i really been trying to work on my life. Trying to change everything for the better, for me and the kids. Going through a divorce, Being a single mom of 3. Its just been sooo hard. I get some help from my mom and like my Aunt. But they are older and can't handle the kids as much. But other wise I do this alone. I just want a better life for me and the kids. Its all i ever wanted. I want our own place so they can have their own rooms and not be so crowed in one room. I wanna start feeling more independent  And i am trying very hard to. I want to get my license. But i am so nervous and scared to drive. Lately even being in a car my anxiety has been acting up and i been getting sick. I really wanna start moving my life in the right direction. I think i just need to change who i have in my life. people who are going to support me and encourage me. And help me. Lately everyone pretends that they will help me and encourage me. but never do. I always go out of my way for everyone to help everyone. That needs to come to a stop. I really need to change my life around. Make the right decisions. I am going to be me, and do what i need to do. I am done. i need to put myself and my kids first all time no matter what. and whoever wants to be there and help me a long the way i will be happy to have them. other wise i am just done with it all. i am just trying to figure out who I am. I;m not gonna wait on anyone anymore. only 3 people i need to wait on. And those are my 3 babies no one else. Its time me to think of me ... I just hope i can keep this positive attitude. 

Why ...

Ugh .. idk why I feel this way. Maybe its just because of having my period. The last 2 weeks have been stressful. With these back to back storms. And Andrew had to leave early. But right now I just kinda feel like I am losing him and idk why I feel this way. I hate this feeling. I know he's hanging out with his friend Josh. And he needs it. All his other friends seem to screw him over. So I am happy he has a friend to spend some time with. But the past few days we barley talk. Or he barley answers me :'( I just got him back in my life. Next week will be officially 2 months together. And its been the best ever. I've waited for this for 11yrs, not even knowing I was. But I just been so happy. We been talking about getting married in a yr or 2. I just love him soooo much!!! I just wish we could live closer, or together. I know its so hard having to live apart. And if I didn't have kids it would be easier (I love my babies and wouldn't trade then for anything) I just don't want to lose him. But I just have the worest feeling in the world the past 2 days. And it hurts soo badly. I just don't know what to think right now. All I do is cry. The past 2 nights have just been horrible :'(

I love my life!!

Been sitting here thinking for the past few hours, and just thinking how for the most part of my life i am truly happy! I just can't wait for the rest of my life to finally fall into place. For everything to start looking up in every part of my life. I am finally starting to take control of my own life,. and not let people control it for me. Its still a very long process of dealing 11 yrs of that other stuff. but it is slowly getting there. I still regret some of the choices i did make in my life. But then i wouldn't have my 3 wonderful babies i have now, and i never would of meet some of the best-est friends i have now also. And right now i am just truly grateful to have Andrew back in my life. When we meet all those yrs ago It was amazing. And i never forgot about him. We talked over the years, here and there. But i truly never ever forgot about him. Just at random moments i would always wonder "what if" And After Dereke left i decided for haha's to look him up and see if he even remembered me. I honestly didn't think he would. But i was wrong. :) And then After a few months just one day we started talking and never stopped. And then seeing him for the first time After 11 yrs. It was the best feeling in the whole world. And just every kiss, every touch feels perfect. It feels like everything just fits and finally makes sense in life. I just truly wish i could put into words how i feel. But i can't. Every moment i spend without him kills me. I just want him here with me and the kids all the time. I want us to be a family. I know to some people it may sound weird cuz its been less then 2 months since we been officially dating. But i just wish they could all feel what i feel. Like right now it kills me knowing he is home with no power, with nothing. i wish i could just teleport him here. I wish life was just that easy. And every time i hear him tell me that he loves me my heart flutters and i wanna cry (happy tears). I just wish everyone could understand how i feel. understand how truly happy I am. how long i have waited for this. for Him! And the fact that he loves the kids also. He's just truly to good to be true. I just truly love him. more then anything in this world (well besides the kids LoL) he truly means everything to me. I love you Andrew Bryant! You mean the world to me. and i don't ever want to lose you!

why me?

I just honestly don't know what to do, think or say anymore. cause no matter what i say or do its wrong anyways. all i try to do is make people happy, But obviously i can't make anyone happy. I just hate feeling the way i do. I hate always feeling unloved and unwanted. I've felt this way my whole life. I have always done everything wrong. and always screwed everything up in my life. I just wish i could understand what it is i do or so. why is it always me?! I hating making everything about me. But thats how everyone makes me feel. they all make me feel like I am such a horrible person. i just wish i could understand what it is that I do!! I try so hard to be such a good person. I just don't get it. I spent 11 yrs having someone tell me how useless i am, and how ugly i am and how no good i am. what did i ever do but love him and take care of him and support him in everything, But i always got shit on. I finally get the courage to say screw him, even tho i haven't been in love with him for yrs. But here I am again screwing up everything i have been fighting so hard for.  the person i have been fighting so hard for. But i am back at that point where i screw everything up. I do everything wrong. I just hate this. All i ever wanted was that happy famiy.

finally Happy =)

Part of me wishes i could back time and change where my life has gone. But i can't. All i can do now is move forward and be happy, which is what I am doing. I am finally taking the steps i need to, to improve my life. The first step is to divorce Dereke. I love him, i do. but i am not happy. and he has hurt me so many times. He treats me like i am nothing. always says hurtful things to me. I just wish i have realized soon that i didn't need him in my life. But i was so drowned by so many things, feelings that i was worthless and didn't deserve anyone else, always making threats that if i ever left him no one would find me. I was always so scared. And the other times he hurt me in other ways i never told anyone. :( I wanted to believe he was my prince. But i should have know from the beginning of our relationship, when all i did was work and all he did was spend my money. But i was so blind ... The other good thing i got out of this was my 3 beautiful babies. they are my world and i will do anything to make them Happy. But i am just so glad that I can finally be happy also. Its amazing how after 11 yrs 2 people can still have the same feelings for each other (even more enhanced). I truly regret staying with Dereke and not pursuing other options at the time. But all i can do is move on. And i really truly hope i have found someone to make me happy, and spend the rest of my life with. I honestly never thought love could feel this way. I never stop smiling anymore. I am just so much happier. I just want it to stay this way. The kids really like him, and He likes the kids. =) I just can not put into words how i feel. I can't find the right words to describe  how much i love and care about him. the fact that i never forgot about him over the past 11 yrs. i just can not express the love i feel! I just pray he feels the same things i do! I just want to have a family together. To just be happy =) 

Just Lost ...

I feel so completely lost today. I just want to get my life together. I am trying so hard. but it seems every step i take forward something pulls me back even farther. I am just at  my wits end. I need out of this state. I need to start my life again with my kids. I need to move on and just finally be happy. i really don't think that its too much to ask for. I am just so sick and tired of crying and hurting all the time. I am sick of people promising they will help me with stuff and never do. I really need to stop relying on people for help. I just get let down like always. I get let down and pushed aside. I am done of being pushed aside. I am done of people only bothering with me when they need something or want something. I am sick of people letting my kids down also. they have had enough crap in their lives, they don't need anymore. I am really considering saying screw it and move down south with the one friend i know i truly have and that would do anything to help me. But then i don't want to cause she has enough of her own health issues and everything else. I just don't know what to do anymore or think. I really wish i could get away for a day. away from everyone and just think. really decide what i want out of my life. I know for one thing i don't wanna be with Dereke anymore. I am done with that. i'll still have to deal with him the rest of my life cause of the kids. But i am so done with being put down by him. and being out in this situation where I am a single mother of 2. the other thing I know is that I am truly madly in love with Andrew. and i wanna be with him. but i am so scared of being hurt. I've opened up my heart to him. I am just scared of it being broken. I am truly vulnerable right now. Everyone keeps telling me I am a strong person. i don't feel strong at all. i feel weak and helpless. I feel  useless and worthless. I hate feeling this way. I just don't know what to do think or say anymore right now. I just want to be loved, appreciated and to be happy. But i don't think I am worth any of that. :(  

Just wanna stop thinking ...

I just wish i could turn my brain off. all i think about is where did i go wrong in my life to end up where I am. I am a single mother of 3. I never wanted this path for me. I wanted better. I wanted a Husband who would take care of me & the kids, not himself. I wanted a Husband who would love me, and tell me everyday, and tell me how beautiful I am and wonderful. Not someone who tells me how Lucky i am to be with him. And make me feel so worthless. All i wanted was that perfect family. I just wanted a home, and a family and to be happy. And a husband who actually helped me with the kids and not do what he wanted and spend all our money on himself. I just wish i could fully understand myself why i stayed with him for 11 yrs. Maybe i was hoping things would change. I hate myself for letting Him do all this to me. for making me such a wreck. I hate that he made me feel so worthless and unlovable. I don't want to feel this way anymore. I want better for my kids. they deserve better. I want to give them the best That I can. I am trying so hard now to move on in my life, to start moving forward to make a better life for me and the kids. But i still get people trying to bring me down. I just want people to support me in what i want in life.i just want to get all this horrible stuff over with and move on and be happy. be happy for myself and the kiddies. weather that be me moving away from family and friends, I am willing to do that. The only thing i know right now is That i love Andrew. And i want to have a family with him. I want Him, Me & the kids to be a family and be happy. I wish 11 yrs ago i had made different choices. But i can't dwell on my past. I need to move forward and to finally be happy. But until i have my own place and other stuff is over with, and i can finally move on and be happy. =) I'm trying to stay positive through all of this. and just hope i have people that will help me through it all. But yet at the same time I am so scared. opening up my heart again to someone. giving him full trust. Its scary. I just can't wait to finally  move on with my life. But i do gotta say the next few weeks are going to be a huge test on who is going to stick by me through all of this, and who isn't so we will see what happens ...  

life what else ...

Its been a long time since i ever wrote a blog. And right now i just feel like writing. Just so much has been happening my life i just don't know where to turn, or what to do or say ... I love Dereke and i always will. But i don't think i can be with him anymore. After all the years of crap from him. i just don't think he will ever change. and i don't think  i will ever been happy with him. But yet here i am basically going down the same road with Andrew. But i love him so much. i have never stopped loving him. and i want to  be with him. i want us to be together. and give it a chance. But then i just end up getting hurt and get screwed over. why can't i just learn my damn lesson! i swear sometimes i just want to be a lesbian. or not even deal with men. But then when u fall in love its all you want! I just want someone who will treat me good and take care of me and my babies. and Andrew promises all this. But sometimes i just wonder if its BS he's feeding me. But why!!! .. i want to believe him. But sometimes i still doubt him ... sometimes i wish i could be cold heart like some people but i just can't!. i always been a good person. and i try so hard to be nice to everyone!