Hmmm Life ....

I am just so confused lately about everything! and so stressed out. I am so stressed out with the kids being sick going on 2 weeks now. Finally they seem to be doing a little better. It was killing me hearing them cough sooo badly. I just wanted to cry all the time. I know my mom did try and help. But once they got cranky or fussy so was gone. I really hate having to do this all alone. I never wanted my life like this. 28, getting divorced and a single mom of 3. it sucks ass! All i ever wanted was a Husband who loved me, and took care of me and our kids. Never happened. I always seem to make the wrong choices in life. And i made one really wrong choice that screwed up my whole life. and held me back from soo much, That now at 28 yrs old i am trying so hard to fix and change. Its so hard having to start your life over again. Only good thing that came out of that mistake was my 3 beautiful kids. even tho they are all a pain in my ass! i still love them more anything in the world. Without them i truly have no idea where i would be in life. Now the part of my life i am so confused about is Andrew. I love him to death!. and i don't doubt that he may love me, cause why else would he waste time and money come up here and visiting. But sometimes i just wonder how much he does care. and it may just be stupid little stuff. But after spending almost 12 yrs in in a horrible relationship. I don't want to do that again. especially since this time I am so madly in love. a friend told me the other day that I am to obsessed and that I prolly annoying Andrew and thats why he doesn't talk to me as much anymore. So ever since then i been so scared that i may annoy him. so i been trying so hard to back off a little. and trying to to be so annoying or obsessive, I don't want to be that type of girlfriend. I hate saying this, but sometimes i feel as if he's pushing me away. so i been trying to block my heart cause i don't wanna feel the pain if one day he decides he wants to give up on me. I just truly can not express the love i feel for him. Its like someone i never felt before. when i think about him i cant help put smile. and all the cute stuff he does. I just feel complete. and i don't want to lose that feeling. When were together everything is just perfect, i have no care in the world. and it feels like its suppose too. and the looks he gives me. just make me smile and warms my heart. I love staring into his gorgeous eyes, and kissing him, and cuddling and holding his hand, and hugging him. this feeling is all so new to me. I never felt this way at all with Dereke. I truly wonder sometimes tho If i am enough for him. I know he tells me he loves me. But lately we don't talk as much as we use to. even when he is online it seems like he is either playing games more, or just ignoring me, and it hurts. And then i think what guy would remember stuff like our anniversary if he didn't care. Maybe its just cause we are apart and i just miss him all the time, and scared that because of the distance that i'm not worth all the trouble. I want everything we have talked about. I want to be his wife. I want to be a family, and add to the family, plus add some furry family members also :) i don't think i have wanted anything more in my life, then i want all this. Maybe i am too obsessed. maybe i need to take a step back, and just let what happens happen. I just don't want to feel like this is all a dream. I want it all to be real. just to have him back in my life is a complete blessing. I never though in a million years i would get this chance again, i never though he would even remember me. I am just truly grateful :) I love you Andrew, more then you could ever know!