why me?

I just honestly don't know what to do, think or say anymore. cause no matter what i say or do its wrong anyways. all i try to do is make people happy, But obviously i can't make anyone happy. I just hate feeling the way i do. I hate always feeling unloved and unwanted. I've felt this way my whole life. I have always done everything wrong. and always screwed everything up in my life. I just wish i could understand what it is i do or so. why is it always me?! I hating making everything about me. But thats how everyone makes me feel. they all make me feel like I am such a horrible person. i just wish i could understand what it is that I do!! I try so hard to be such a good person. I just don't get it. I spent 11 yrs having someone tell me how useless i am, and how ugly i am and how no good i am. what did i ever do but love him and take care of him and support him in everything, But i always got shit on. I finally get the courage to say screw him, even tho i haven't been in love with him for yrs. But here I am again screwing up everything i have been fighting so hard for.  the person i have been fighting so hard for. But i am back at that point where i screw everything up. I do everything wrong. I just hate this. All i ever wanted was that happy famiy.

finally Happy =)

Part of me wishes i could back time and change where my life has gone. But i can't. All i can do now is move forward and be happy, which is what I am doing. I am finally taking the steps i need to, to improve my life. The first step is to divorce Dereke. I love him, i do. but i am not happy. and he has hurt me so many times. He treats me like i am nothing. always says hurtful things to me. I just wish i have realized soon that i didn't need him in my life. But i was so drowned by so many things, feelings that i was worthless and didn't deserve anyone else, always making threats that if i ever left him no one would find me. I was always so scared. And the other times he hurt me in other ways i never told anyone. :( I wanted to believe he was my prince. But i should have know from the beginning of our relationship, when all i did was work and all he did was spend my money. But i was so blind ... The other good thing i got out of this was my 3 beautiful babies. they are my world and i will do anything to make them Happy. But i am just so glad that I can finally be happy also. Its amazing how after 11 yrs 2 people can still have the same feelings for each other (even more enhanced). I truly regret staying with Dereke and not pursuing other options at the time. But all i can do is move on. And i really truly hope i have found someone to make me happy, and spend the rest of my life with. I honestly never thought love could feel this way. I never stop smiling anymore. I am just so much happier. I just want it to stay this way. The kids really like him, and He likes the kids. =) I just can not put into words how i feel. I can't find the right words to describe  how much i love and care about him. the fact that i never forgot about him over the past 11 yrs. i just can not express the love i feel! I just pray he feels the same things i do! I just want to have a family together. To just be happy =)