Love ...

I just truly don't know what to say, do or think. Lately I been feeling so lonely. With all the arguing we did for a few days really killed me. I hate when people are angry and say stuff just outta spite. And of course I did. And I hate myself for it. I just really hope he knows how much I love him. And I hate that he is always the one traveling. And its not far. But its harder for me to travel with 3 kids. Or finding people to watch 3 kids. My parents aren't always willing too. I just know once I get my license it will ne better. Then I can pack the kids up and just take the van and leave for a weekend. So during the spring I am definitely gonna work on getting my license. I also need to work on my anxiety about being in cars sometimes. But I am definitely gonna find a way down to see him within the next month. I need to sit down with my mom and plan a trip. And find someone to drive us. And I need to save money. But also lately I feel like Andrew is trying to push me away a little and it kills me. So I kinda been putting up a block to protect myself. I just truly love him more then anything. I don't want to picture my life with out him. But I am just so worried that he's drifting from me. :'( .... He barely even puts any post about missing me or anything. And doesn't comment on some I put. So I haven't really been posting anything. Mainly.been.posting about the kids. I just hope once he's here and we have our night alone that it will fell like the first time we meet. I just don't want to lose.his love, or him. I love you baby. More then anything.

Hmmm Life ....

I am just so confused lately about everything! and so stressed out. I am so stressed out with the kids being sick going on 2 weeks now. Finally they seem to be doing a little better. It was killing me hearing them cough sooo badly. I just wanted to cry all the time. I know my mom did try and help. But once they got cranky or fussy so was gone. I really hate having to do this all alone. I never wanted my life like this. 28, getting divorced and a single mom of 3. it sucks ass! All i ever wanted was a Husband who loved me, and took care of me and our kids. Never happened. I always seem to make the wrong choices in life. And i made one really wrong choice that screwed up my whole life. and held me back from soo much, That now at 28 yrs old i am trying so hard to fix and change. Its so hard having to start your life over again. Only good thing that came out of that mistake was my 3 beautiful kids. even tho they are all a pain in my ass! i still love them more anything in the world. Without them i truly have no idea where i would be in life. Now the part of my life i am so confused about is Andrew. I love him to death!. and i don't doubt that he may love me, cause why else would he waste time and money come up here and visiting. But sometimes i just wonder how much he does care. and it may just be stupid little stuff. But after spending almost 12 yrs in in a horrible relationship. I don't want to do that again. especially since this time I am so madly in love. a friend told me the other day that I am to obsessed and that I prolly annoying Andrew and thats why he doesn't talk to me as much anymore. So ever since then i been so scared that i may annoy him. so i been trying so hard to back off a little. and trying to to be so annoying or obsessive, I don't want to be that type of girlfriend. I hate saying this, but sometimes i feel as if he's pushing me away. so i been trying to block my heart cause i don't wanna feel the pain if one day he decides he wants to give up on me. I just truly can not express the love i feel for him. Its like someone i never felt before. when i think about him i cant help put smile. and all the cute stuff he does. I just feel complete. and i don't want to lose that feeling. When were together everything is just perfect, i have no care in the world. and it feels like its suppose too. and the looks he gives me. just make me smile and warms my heart. I love staring into his gorgeous eyes, and kissing him, and cuddling and holding his hand, and hugging him. this feeling is all so new to me. I never felt this way at all with Dereke. I truly wonder sometimes tho If i am enough for him. I know he tells me he loves me. But lately we don't talk as much as we use to. even when he is online it seems like he is either playing games more, or just ignoring me, and it hurts. And then i think what guy would remember stuff like our anniversary if he didn't care. Maybe its just cause we are apart and i just miss him all the time, and scared that because of the distance that i'm not worth all the trouble. I want everything we have talked about. I want to be his wife. I want to be a family, and add to the family, plus add some furry family members also :) i don't think i have wanted anything more in my life, then i want all this. Maybe i am too obsessed. maybe i need to take a step back, and just let what happens happen. I just don't want to feel like this is all a dream. I want it all to be real. just to have him back in my life is a complete blessing. I never though in a million years i would get this chance again, i never though he would even remember me. I am just truly grateful :) I love you Andrew, more then you could ever know!

Love ...

I never truely thought I could ever feel the way I do. I wish I could go back 11 years ago and change the decision I made. But I can't. But I am going to take full advantage of it now. I knew 11 yrs ago that I loved and cared about him. The week we spent together was the best week of my life. The way he looked at him. When he held my hand. The first hug, and the first kiss. It was something I never ever forgot over the years. Over 11 years I would talk to him here and there. Part of me wishing I had said how I truly felt. But I was so scared of rejection. Scared he didn't feel the same way. And then I just got to comfortable in the life I had. Even though I truly hated it. I was comfortable. I knew what to expect most of the time. I though I had known what love was. After 11 yrs the husband I thought I was madly in love with had gone away. And truthfully I wasn't sad for me. I was sad for my kids. For myself I kinda felt a big weight lifted off of me. About a month after him being gone I started talking to a lot of my old friends. And started learning a lot. That's when I decided to start looking up old friends and other people. And that's when I decided to look for him. And at first we talked here and there. And then just one day we really started talking, and talked on the phone and it felt perfect. It just felt right! The first 2 weeks talking, getting to know each other again was amazing. Then just some stuff happen. And I tried so hard to stay away. To ignore him. But I couldn't. So I tried to just be friends but I couldn't. I was in love with him. And I couldnt hide my feelings. And I couldn't stay away from him. After everything tho we finally decided to give it a chance. A week later finally after 11 yrs we met again. The moment I saw him I couldn't move or talk and I wanted to cry. And when we hugged I didn't want it to end. I wanted to stay in his arms forever. And that first kiss after 11 yrs. My heart melted again. I never thought I could be so in love with anyone. That first week together again was the best. Just the cuddling. And being near him. Kissing him, hugging him. Everything was just perfect. And then after a week and having to say goodbye was the hardest. I cried soo badly. I wish I could of gotten hum to stay forever. It's been almost 3 months. But it feels like soo much longer. It feels like we been together for Years. Every chance I get to spend with him, is like a dream come true. The hardest part now is being away from him. Not being able to wake up next to him every morning and give him a kiss. And being able to hug him. And being able to just lay in his arms. I truly wish I could lay in his arms forever. I never ever thought I could feel this way. I love him more then anything. And I just can't picture my life without him in it. It would hurt way to much to do that.