Just Lost ...

I feel so completely lost today. I just want to get my life together. I am trying so hard. but it seems every step i take forward something pulls me back even farther. I am just at  my wits end. I need out of this state. I need to start my life again with my kids. I need to move on and just finally be happy. i really don't think that its too much to ask for. I am just so sick and tired of crying and hurting all the time. I am sick of people promising they will help me with stuff and never do. I really need to stop relying on people for help. I just get let down like always. I get let down and pushed aside. I am done of being pushed aside. I am done of people only bothering with me when they need something or want something. I am sick of people letting my kids down also. they have had enough crap in their lives, they don't need anymore. I am really considering saying screw it and move down south with the one friend i know i truly have and that would do anything to help me. But then i don't want to cause she has enough of her own health issues and everything else. I just don't know what to do anymore or think. I really wish i could get away for a day. away from everyone and just think. really decide what i want out of my life. I know for one thing i don't wanna be with Dereke anymore. I am done with that. i'll still have to deal with him the rest of my life cause of the kids. But i am so done with being put down by him. and being out in this situation where I am a single mother of 2. the other thing I know is that I am truly madly in love with Andrew. and i wanna be with him. but i am so scared of being hurt. I've opened up my heart to him. I am just scared of it being broken. I am truly vulnerable right now. Everyone keeps telling me I am a strong person. i don't feel strong at all. i feel weak and helpless. I feel  useless and worthless. I hate feeling this way. I just don't know what to do think or say anymore right now. I just want to be loved, appreciated and to be happy. But i don't think I am worth any of that. :(