Just Lost ...

I feel so completely lost today. I just want to get my life together. I am trying so hard. but it seems every step i take forward something pulls me back even farther. I am just at  my wits end. I need out of this state. I need to start my life again with my kids. I need to move on and just finally be happy. i really don't think that its too much to ask for. I am just so sick and tired of crying and hurting all the time. I am sick of people promising they will help me with stuff and never do. I really need to stop relying on people for help. I just get let down like always. I get let down and pushed aside. I am done of being pushed aside. I am done of people only bothering with me when they need something or want something. I am sick of people letting my kids down also. they have had enough crap in their lives, they don't need anymore. I am really considering saying screw it and move down south with the one friend i know i truly have and that would do anything to help me. But then i don't want to cause she has enough of her own health issues and everything else. I just don't know what to do anymore or think. I really wish i could get away for a day. away from everyone and just think. really decide what i want out of my life. I know for one thing i don't wanna be with Dereke anymore. I am done with that. i'll still have to deal with him the rest of my life cause of the kids. But i am so done with being put down by him. and being out in this situation where I am a single mother of 2. the other thing I know is that I am truly madly in love with Andrew. and i wanna be with him. but i am so scared of being hurt. I've opened up my heart to him. I am just scared of it being broken. I am truly vulnerable right now. Everyone keeps telling me I am a strong person. i don't feel strong at all. i feel weak and helpless. I feel  useless and worthless. I hate feeling this way. I just don't know what to do think or say anymore right now. I just want to be loved, appreciated and to be happy. But i don't think I am worth any of that. :(  

Just wanna stop thinking ...

I just wish i could turn my brain off. all i think about is where did i go wrong in my life to end up where I am. I am a single mother of 3. I never wanted this path for me. I wanted better. I wanted a Husband who would take care of me & the kids, not himself. I wanted a Husband who would love me, and tell me everyday, and tell me how beautiful I am and wonderful. Not someone who tells me how Lucky i am to be with him. And make me feel so worthless. All i wanted was that perfect family. I just wanted a home, and a family and to be happy. And a husband who actually helped me with the kids and not do what he wanted and spend all our money on himself. I just wish i could fully understand myself why i stayed with him for 11 yrs. Maybe i was hoping things would change. I hate myself for letting Him do all this to me. for making me such a wreck. I hate that he made me feel so worthless and unlovable. I don't want to feel this way anymore. I want better for my kids. they deserve better. I want to give them the best That I can. I am trying so hard now to move on in my life, to start moving forward to make a better life for me and the kids. But i still get people trying to bring me down. I just want people to support me in what i want in life.i just want to get all this horrible stuff over with and move on and be happy. be happy for myself and the kiddies. weather that be me moving away from family and friends, I am willing to do that. The only thing i know right now is That i love Andrew. And i want to have a family with him. I want Him, Me & the kids to be a family and be happy. I wish 11 yrs ago i had made different choices. But i can't dwell on my past. I need to move forward and to finally be happy. But until i have my own place and other stuff is over with, and i can finally move on and be happy. =) I'm trying to stay positive through all of this. and just hope i have people that will help me through it all. But yet at the same time I am so scared. opening up my heart again to someone. giving him full trust. Its scary. I just can't wait to finally  move on with my life. But i do gotta say the next few weeks are going to be a huge test on who is going to stick by me through all of this, and who isn't so we will see what happens ...  

life what else ...

Its been a long time since i ever wrote a blog. And right now i just feel like writing. Just so much has been happening my life i just don't know where to turn, or what to do or say ... I love Dereke and i always will. But i don't think i can be with him anymore. After all the years of crap from him. i just don't think he will ever change. and i don't think  i will ever been happy with him. But yet here i am basically going down the same road with Andrew. But i love him so much. i have never stopped loving him. and i want to  be with him. i want us to be together. and give it a chance. But then i just end up getting hurt and get screwed over. why can't i just learn my damn lesson! i swear sometimes i just want to be a lesbian. or not even deal with men. But then when u fall in love its all you want! I just want someone who will treat me good and take care of me and my babies. and Andrew promises all this. But sometimes i just wonder if its BS he's feeding me. But why!!! .. i want to believe him. But sometimes i still doubt him ... sometimes i wish i could be cold heart like some people but i just can't!. i always been a good person. and i try so hard to be nice to everyone!